to see me through

I guess in a way it all fell apart after you were killed. I hate saying it that way, but it’s true. You didn’t just die, you were killed and I suddenly realized all that was wrong with my life when my barrier crumbled and everything was brought to light.

My friendships were fading long before you died, but after 2:50pm on March 23rd, the word “sensitive” became too light of a description for my sudden mood change. I was over at A’s house with everyone the day after your funeral. Again, I felt emotional but that’s to the least of my expectations. The vulgarity coming out of their mouths made me want to hit something or just slap them, but that’s indecent and I would never do that.

When spring break ended and we all returned to school except you, hell broke out and I’ll never forget the things they said to me.

Because I left the friendship circle for my faith, things never and will never feel the same again. I’ve never been happier to be free from them, and at the same time I feel lost. I’ve done things and sang songs to help me remember you, and to help me forget them. But it never leaves.

After you were killed my life changed in a way that not many will understand. I lost more than just you that day. I walked away from a life that would’ve sucked me in till my emotional death.

I’ve never been happier than I am now with how it all played out, but you’re still gone. I’m still trying to remember you and me and B when we were little, playing at the beach on those hot sunny days while camping. I want that to be what I remember, not 2:50pm on March 23rd and the days and months that followed. Not the life my fellow friends live or the things they read or say or do.

I want to remember our childhood and the wind and the night walks that helped us mature into the people we are today…
even if you have passed on.